Pros? Cons? Qualms? Sometimes what’s going on in your head is as important as what’s going on it!
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:54 AM
For me personally, going gray has helped me to grow up. Its made me realize that there are bigger issues in life than the color of one’s hair. Look at it like this, which would you rather be: early gray or one of the Spears sisters?
Posted by on 01/04 at 09:21 AM
Kendall—you are a hoot! But you’re absolutely right. Much as we all can obsess about hair—it’s just HAIR. Even on “bad hair days”—you’ve still got that DAY! D.
Posted by on 01/04 at 06:23 PM
Because my hair is bright henna red, long and thick, it has always been my “signature piece” so to speak. My identy revolves around it. Shallow thought--I know...but I am just being brutally honest.
I want to go gray because I am tired of dyeing my hair. But I also plan an early retirement in 4 years at which time I will be trying to live like a gypsy in an RV or houseboat on a minimal amount of money and messy henna dye jobs and the tons of water it entails is not a viable option. So from a pracical standpoint, I need to go gray be it now or in 4 years.
But despite the exciting sense of freedom and discovery I feel, there is also a nagging sadness that I am losing the exotic red headed me. That I am intentionally turning myself into a gray cement brick.
Yeah....I am way too wrapped up in my hair color and allowing it to define me. Just writing this has been an eye opener for me. How can I possibly think that the color of my hair defines me? And that I will be seen as a total bore with gray hair because I will no longer have an exotic and exciting look? Geeze...I am ashamed at how shallow this all sounds......
Posted by on 01/11 at 06:58 PM
OK, Keri—First of all, your thoughts are NOT shallow. It’s funny, we kind of all define ourselves by things that are external. Because, very simply, that’s how we are perceived by others. That’s the game. We are who people think we are. In the book, there is something on “impression management” contributed by clinical psychologist Patricia Mouscou that tells the story. Just a brief quote from it—“Far from implying an unhealthy obsession with appearance, impression management is the way you choose to present yourself. An affirmation of the “inner you,’ to be sure, but projected in a way that confirms the way you see yourself.”
So, you see, it’s neither unhealthy, nor unusual. You sound like you have a little gypsy in your soul—what with your plans to live in an RV or houseboat. I love it! And this gypsy was a redhead! It all works, it all fits together.
I just want to say, going gray isn’t going to turn you into a cement brick or a bore. You never were before, you never will be. In fact, with the freedom, I bet you’ll feel more like a gypsy than ever. This notion that gray hair is dull, uninteresting and just downright boring is one that I’m hoping to challenge with this book and website. Have you seen any pictures of Emmy Lou Harris? She’s absolutely gorgeous and sexy with long gray hair. I’ll see if I can get one up on this site.
I’m not going to spout off any platitudes here, because I can tell that you KNOW that your hair color doesn’t define who you are. Just know that I sympathize with that inner fear—we all think we’re going to change, turn into somebody we weren’t before—and you know what? We DON’T! It doesn’t hurt to follow the makeup tips, experiment with wardrobe colors, etc., to make some “adjustments”, to make us feel good about our hair color. But, really, that’s all just window dressing. It’s who we are inside that has to shine through. So, while you’re letting go of that exotic redhead, you may find you’re an even more exotic silver beauty. Go for it! D.
Posted by on 01/11 at 08:36 PM
Diana,
Thanks so much for your answer. I just got your book in the mail last week and so far I have only had time to browse through it. I am sure once I sit down and actually read it I will find it very helpful.
I have seem Emmylou Harris’ photos and as a matter of fact, I had clipped one out of a magazine awhile back because I wanted my hair cut just like hers. Somehow I lost the photo before my salon appointment so I never did get it cut that way. I tried to describe it, but didn’t do a good job.
I am sure you are right that I will feel better about all this when I finally get it grown out and am totally free of having to dye it.
I already feel an incredible sense of freedom with just not having to worry that someone is noticing my two week root grow out. All this time, I have been living with a sense of embarassment and dread as the two week touchup time approached because I was mortified that someone might notice my roots. All in all, that was a whole lot of time spent worrying about what someone else might think all because I had some sort of shame over having gray hair. My hope is that once I get a real good grow out going it will become apparent that I am gray and proud of it. That is my story anyway---and I plan to stick to it.
Posted by on 01/13 at 03:07 PM
Keri—Thanks for getting the book. You’ll find a pic of Emmy Lou Harris in it, in the chapter “Who’s Great at Being Gray?” Natch. Maybe that’s the cut you mean. Glad you got past the two-week worries! You’ve got a way to go, but sounds like you’re going to make it! D.
Posted by on 01/13 at 04:14 PM
Last January I was diagnosed with Lyme disease and ended up on numerous medications, many which made me sick. The chemicals from the hair dyes were giving me headaches and nausea so I decided it was time to go gray. February was my last dye job and although it’s been hard, physically I know I’m doing the right thing. The comments I got from my co-workers were intersting. “You are so brave!” “I would go gray but my husband won’t allow it.” (I thought that one was sad) “Why would you do that?”.
I have three sisters, all older than me who didn’t think I would follow through.
I have had more compliments on my hair in the past couple of months and now that it is almost all grown out I’m feeling more confident.
There are days when I miss my auburn color but I don’t miss the time and money I was spending keeping it that color and I definately don’t miss the chemicals burning my scalp and making me sick.
Posted by on 01/19 at 02:29 PM
Hi Maureen—glad you joined us. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I don’t know if your reaction to hair dye was due to the medications you were on, or if it was just something that happened analogously, but I do know it is possible to develop allergies to the chemicals. And it can become very serious. I hope Morningstar chimes in here (see her latest posting under Talk On!). She developed a severe allergic reaction as well, and made the decision there and then that it just wasn’t worth it. So you made the right decision, and you also faced the “friendly fire” well, too. Friends and co-workers say the darndest things, don’t they? Even when they mean well. Women used to compliment my hair (in all its various growing-out stages) and then tell me all the reasons why they “couldn’t” go gray. They had a million reasons, but the message was always clear—you do it, I never would! Of course, we ALL can go gray, if we want to. That’s the key. Sounds like you’re glad you did, and now you’re getting real compliments on your hair! Congrats! Diana
Posted by on 01/19 at 09:10 PM
Maureen, how long did it take for your hair to change over to gray? Can I ask how old u are? Thats sad that a husband would deny his wife the right to color her own hair.
Posted by on 01/19 at 10:15 PM
Hi Maureen,
Don’t you just love when things like that come in multiples!
Since Diana asked, I’ll share something with you. While your reaction could have been due to interactions with the medication you were taking for lyme disease it also could be the result of contact dermatitis caused by the offending ingredient found in almost every permanent and semi permanent color sold in the US (the Europeans are ahead of us on this one). Information about Paraphenylenediamine (PPD for short) can be found on the DermNet website - google “PPD”. There you can find the simple patch test that’s available but seemingly almost unknown to most of my medical community!
The darker the hair dye typically the higher concentration of PPD in hair color. An allergy can develop anytime - even if you have been safely dyeing you hair for years. People who are allergic to PPD and continue exposing themselves to it can become cross sensitized to Paba, black clothing dye and certain benzo and sulpha drugs. So even though your hair is now natural, it might be worth the patch test to make sure. Because if its PPD you want to let your dentist and doctor know so they will use alternatives to benzo based numbing agents and sulpha drugs.
I’ve been trying to get the word out on this because I meet many women playing roulette. They get color every 3 weeks to cover gray and come home with burning, blistering scalps and some lose their breath to dye fumes. The treatment for a severe outbreak is 10 days on prednisone. Not a good thing, worse in rare cases people have gone into anaphylactic shock and died.
Best of luck to you Maureen! Sounds like you have handled the transition with grace and look great! You and your hair are way healthier too! Let’s hope some of our other sisters learn to take better care of their health as well.
Posted by on 01/20 at 09:42 AM
Hi Maureen –
I know you’ve taken control and stopped coloring, but I agree, more women should be aware about possible reactions to PPD. So be sure to check out my new article in the Transitioning section, “A Burning Question.” And I thank both you and Morningstar for bringing this up. Diana
Posted by on 01/21 at 03:12 PM
Diana - thanks for posting the warning on PPD. As you say most women will never have a problem but those who do need to know the warning signs and take heed.
I have done a lot of research on this subject in the past year or so and want to share some other things I have learned.
There are several hair color products on the market that though not entirely free of PPD contain low levels of concentration. Framesi and Goldwell both have a low PPD product. They color great without the strong chemicals! Two ladies who were getting a little itching after coloring with Redken switched to the low PPD formulas of these brands and did better.
Another product for sensitive types who don’t have a full blown issue with PPD that I read about is Eco-Colors - check their website. The product has trace amounts of PPD and many women with mild sensitivities can use it. You or your colorist can order a patch test from them and then the product (home or proefessional version) if you choose. They even have a color chart to help you match up close to the color you got with other brands. Lisa Saul is the owner and has a helpful website.
Another product with limited color options (IMHO) but which gets good reviews from colorists I have spoken with is Light Mountain. Theirs is a henna based product, available in many health and natural product stores. They have a line specially formulated for gray hair that provides the coverage many other gentle products do not.
Light Mountain was an option for me...but heck...I decided to give the au natural a shot:-) I figured if it doesn’t work out Light Mountain is always Plan B! So far the highlights I am getting from God are quite cool though and every day something a little different.
Posted by on 01/21 at 05:18 PM
Hi Morningstar—This is terrific information, and very helpful. You’ve done a lot of homework! I guess once “burned,” twice as cautious! Have to say, I also like the conclusion you came to for YOU! Nature’s highlights are always more intriguing. You know, a girl I interviewed for the book told me at the beginning that gray hair just doesn’t “sit still.” It’s always evolving. I didn’t know what she meant at first (remember, I was a “blonde” when I first started this), but now I sure do! I know this is what makes some women afraid—they want to know how, precisely, they will evolve. And you can’t know. I think it’s more fun to just roll with the tide and see. (And maybe, like you, have a Plan B!) Cheers, D.
Posted by on 01/22 at 09:33 AM
Diana, by the way, when your book first came out, there was a different woman on the cover. Who is she, how old was she at the time and what was her story. I’ve been trying to tell other people about this site. One of the sites I go to regularly is runnersworld.com. I was a sprinter in high school and am hoping to walk on and run track sometime in college. I have met other women on that site who have gone or are going gray. There are a lot more of us out there than people realize.
Kendall
Posted by on 01/22 at 10:11 AM
The original cover girl was Amy. She had started graying in college, and was around 39 or 40 when the cover shot was snapped. You can read more about her story in the book. She was delighted to be our first cover girl, but didn’t want to be included in the website. So, out of respect for that, I have to send you to the book. I had already decided to give the book a “fresh face” to celebrate its new printing, and as I said, that’s something I want to do with every new printing. That’s why I want people to send in pictures! Who knows? We may have a budding cover girl among our Members! Thanks, too, for spreading the word. I KNOW there’s a lot of us out there. . . the revolution is really taking hold around the country! D.
Posted by on 01/22 at 11:13 AM
Diana, I have to say that this website, among other things, has helped me to be stronger and more empowered. A while back, I told myself that I wanted to network with and surround myself with strong and empowered women. I think it has made me a better person. I probably come out as some type of a wild feminist and yes, I am a feminist, but I also think that there are a lot of women out there who are unfairly judged because of their gray hair. Since I myself went gray, I feel like all of ya’ll are “sisters” in a way. I remember seeing that first cover and I always wondered about that lady. She was so pretty. As far as I’m concerned, everyone in here is beautiful. Thanks so much!!
Posted by on 01/22 at 03:05 PM
Hi! I’m Lori. I’m 42 and have decided to stop coloring my hair.I’ve been graying since I was 25 and I am sick and tired of wasting time, money and energy on gray that doesn’t want to accept color. I have a about an 1/2 inch of gray on my roots right now. Can’t decide if I want to just shave it now and let it come back or just deal with it until it’s grown out a few more inches and just get a short cut. I usually keep my hair past my shoulders.
Just wanted to say Hi...would love any advise on transitioning.
Posted by on 01/22 at 06:33 PM
Lori - that’s a real personal choice. I went into gray like I step into the ocean or a pool ...an itsy bit at a time. It had its pros and cons ...and btw I am still left with some of the cons (dyed ends) 13.5 months later A woman at work chopped it all of with a really cool short do thereby getting rid of the color in a nanosecond. She then gracefully dealt with the grow out of length. She now has a sleek shoulder length bob of lustruous silver. Kudos to her! I needed the time to adjust to the transforming me. Now I am at a stage where I think of myself more with natural hair and pix with the brunette dye job are a little foreign...in the beginning it was the reverse.
I am curious to know what others have done!
Posted by on 01/22 at 07:54 PM
Gasp—Lori—please don’t shave your head! I put the story in about Shira because I thought that was just such an unusual thing to do. Seems a lot of women think I’m suggesting it. I’m NOT. I think going from hair past your shoulders to bald would be a big shock-o. I’d at least try a short cut first! Remember, you can always go shorter (balder?), but once you’ve shaved your head, that’s it. I like Morningstar’s advice here. And I assume you’ve read the Transitioning section on this site, right? There are just so many ways to deal with 1/2 inch gray roots without getting out the buzz shears! But I completely understand your frustration. Gets to the point where you say “Enough is enough!” D.
Posted by on 01/22 at 08:35 PM
Oh the thought I of shaving my head was there before I found this sight. Actually, I’ve always said that at age 50 I would shave my head and let it come back natural.
My main concern is I have a family wedding in June and am a little concern about how I will look then! LOL! My hair growspretty fast think goodness....so I’m hoping for that it will be long enough for a short cut.
Posted by on 01/22 at 08:40 PM
Oh, ok then. I’m going to stop feeling guilty! If you’re singing the Wedding Bells Blues in June, there’s always a hat! Good luck. Send pics! D.
Posted by on 01/22 at 09:25 PM
Lori - I’m with Diana, if you take the plunge - please share the pix! Regardless of what you decide I admire your bold attitude...you go girl!
Posted by on 01/23 at 04:00 AM
Guess the head shaving is out for now, I’m in the St. Louis area and would frezze! lol.I’ll probably be wearing a lot of ponytails, french braids and baseball caps. I’ll send pictures as it grows out, if anyone is interested. Right now the gray isn’t visiable in pictures.
Lori
Posted by on 01/23 at 08:06 AM
Yeah—I am! Keep a visual record of your various stages, and when you get to a point you like, send ‘em in! Thanks, D.
Posted by on 01/23 at 04:04 PM
Will do.I think I’ll take pictures every three months and see how that works out.
Posted by on 01/23 at 04:17 PM
Great idea! D.
Posted by on 01/23 at 04:25 PM
Hi all-
I am now wearing tarnished silver hair & I love not having to dye or worry about gray roots BUT I am a heavily tattooed woman & my look has always been fun rather than chic. I like to wear vintage clothes & I was wondering if there was anybody out there in cyber-space who could relate? All the info I find is geared toward women with much more disposable income than I have & are dressing ways I don’t wish to emulate. What happened to all the punkers, goths & betties? Did they just give up in middleage? My grandkids would be so disappointed if I stopped being their wild looking Nana- can we as older women still be wild?
Posted by on 01/28 at 10:09 AM
Hi Tattoed—Rock on! I love your spirit—AND your grandkids for wanting a wild Nana! I’ll see what I can do about offering more fashion alternatives on this site (because, really LOTS of us have a wild side, too.) In the meantime, did you visit Reality Check (get to it from the Home Page). I think Carmen looks pretty great. No tattoos, alas, but still not conservative. Please—we’d love to see a pic of you. And I do hope other punkers, goths and betties chime in here too. Who says gray has to be a one-way ticket to dullsvile? D.
Posted by on 01/28 at 10:33 AM
Thanks D-
I did look at the reality check- everyone there looks beautiful! I’d be happy to send a pic, just tell me how to download it? I am not nearly as interesting as those women but I am always glad to share 
Willa
Posted by on 01/28 at 10:52 AM
Super, Willa! Your pic is in your computer, right? So just email it through IPhoto, or any other kind of picture sharing program you have. Send it as an email to .
I’ve been thinking about your other question, too “Did they just give up in middleage?” I think a lot of us feel the gray revolution is just starting—it is, within the last, say, 4 years—and while some women are willing to join the revolution, they also want to keep their day jobs. It’s like, one revolution at a time, please! And so we’re willing to face up to co-workers, friends, employers, family, but we still want to stay pretty mainstream to do it. The most important thing is, it’s all about the freedom we feel. D.
Posted by on 01/28 at 11:46 AM
Yes some people DO have to pass- my daughter does corporate-goth, though some of us have chosen to work in fields where our otherness is acceptable. I have a chin tattoo that cannot be covered & full sleeves or arm tattoos. I would really enjoy seeing others who have taken their “not mainstream” looks into old age. Does anybody remember the cover of “Mother Jones” magazine with Mother Jones as a skater/punk? It was a riot! I kept a copy of that cover for ages because it made me feel so good to look at it!
W.
Posted by on 01/28 at 12:34 PM
Hello to Keri gypsy-woman!
You fears are understandable- I felt the same way letting go of my black hair. Perhaps changing your look to a more gypsy self via your clothes & jewelry? I have lived for 3 months at a time on the road & hair color IS be a pain but it is do-able. I used to stop in at a cheap motel when I needed to do my hair. If you are not ready to go gray now or ever- you can do what you need to do to feel like you on the road. There is no moral high ground in going gray- just a choice & no matter which you choose, choose authentically.
Willa
Posted by on 01/28 at 02:43 PM
Well....it has been six weeks and I am doing OK with letting the gray grow out. Actually...I thought it would be much more traumatic, but all in all I find I just don’t seem to care anymore.
In retrospect, I think I have been ashamed for quite some time that I was coloring my hair to hide the gray. I am quite open and free spirited in every other way, but for some reason---I felt I had to hide the gray. I colored every two weeks because I was so afraid someone might notice my roots. So finally exposing myself---letting the world see my real hair color--that was the hurdle for me.
Now it is done. My roots have grown out enough that it is glaringly apparent my hair is not red, but rather a color I am choosing to call Moonlight. My secret is exposed so I no longer need to hide it.
And I feel great. The veil of shame has been lifted and I find I really don’t care what anybody thinks about my hair color. I could really kick myself that I didn’t do this sooner. Although I would maybe like to kick society a little in that I felt the need to be ashamed of the color of my hair because of some societal norm I chose to internalize.
Either that or I was living some insane fantasy that I could look 20 forever if I just colored my hair. And that there was some advantage to looking like I was 20 forever---although what that is I can’t imagine.
However...I am not giving up my junior hip hugger jeans or thrift store eclectic look and trading it in for old lady clothes. A girl has got to draw the line somewhere. The long hair stays, the hip hugging jeans stay, the boho look stays.
Posted by on 01/28 at 06:54 PM
Way to go keri!!! You go girl!! I love your attitude! By the way Willa, welcome to this forum. There is an unbelieveable support system here. By the way, Diana, since you gave me as assignment a while back, I have one for you. I would like you to research and get back with us on who that wonderfully gray haired woman is in the Toyota truck commercials. She talks about her dad was a Chevy man, but she drives a Toyota. That woman was really gorgeous gray hair. I wanna say she looks to be in her 40’s. Let us know what you find Diana. Talk about all this “gray power”! I love it!
Posted by on 01/28 at 07:18 PM
Thanks for the welcome Kendall-
I hope we can all send out supporting feelings to every older woman. Society seems to make us ashamed of being older. We still have use at any age but it does feel weird sometimes not to be our younger selves. It is so ingrained in our thinking that young adulthood, it’s interests & lifestyle is all there is. When we age it sometimes feels as if we are no longer invited to the party in life.
Yay to you Keri- I feel the same way, I will continue to add to my tattoos & wear retro stuff & have stretched ears, it was me before & it is still me.
Willa
Posted by on 01/29 at 10:18 AM
Hello I am Roe,
I started to go gray back in March 2007. It has been a journey. From the beginning I felt I needed the support of others and started a group in Yahoo for this purpose. There I put links to all the positive articles I could find and also told our members about your book. I checked it out first from the library and found it a great resource for managing the change and the new look. I was able to find a copy at a reasonable price on half.com this summer, so I own a copy of your first printing.
I have a whole collection of fashion books that focus on style and wardrobe management. This is a passion for me. I specially treasure my classic books and yours is surely a classic. Thanks Diana!!!
For me turning salt and pepper has been very exciting because from the time a was a little girl I noticed that blonde hair was a lot of fun. Once I tried on a fabulous blonde wig at a department store (back in the 70’s wigs were the rage) and realized that because of my medium olive complexion and dark eyes I could never do blonde!!!
Since then I enjoyed my natural black hair during my twenties and thirties. In my forties I realized I needed to tone down the dark to soften my face and started to use a level 2 or demi color. This would quickly turn my hair to red. I really did not care for the red. Also I had to cover the roots every 3 weeks!!
I wore bangs so that the roots would not show so much. But once looking at them I saw they were shiny and a beautiful pewter color!!
That is when I realized that the light that I needed around my face was there hiding under the dye!!
So I decided. Everyone was against it. But I persevered and here I am! I now love it and almost everyone has told me it looks good.... Those who chose to equate gray hair with old will not see anything else… but that is their choice.
The great thing is that for me it is like I am a teenager with beautiful blonde highlights!!! it really looks like that to me. And the silver hair complements so well my coloring.... And best of all it is designed from above!!!
I am waiting for it to be all chin length and then get a modern cut. I will post a picture then I promise. I am 48 by the way…
Roe
Posted by on 01/30 at 01:17 PM
Roe—It’s really YOU!!! I’m so happy you found us! I think I did go to your yahoo group and see your posting (thank you!). I tried to respond, but don’t know if it made it or not. And now you’re here. So a big welcome! Your story is just so beautiful, it gave me goose bumps. I hope everybody reads it. It’s funny, since you have the book, you probably read one of Chazz’s comments—she said “I’m getting that thing with men now—that chromosome thing that attracts them to blondes.” Your comment about feeling like a teenager with beautiful blonde highlights reminded me of that. Well, I always say—ice is the ultimate blonde! Can’t wait for you to post your picture—and please come back a lot! D.
Posted by on 01/30 at 02:25 PM
Hi all - I’ve been reading here and only now have the time to post since I have the flu - bummer! LOL.
I am also one of those who was tired of coloring then I also had a reaction that caused me to just give it up. I stopped in September and have many streaks and gray growing in, and I think the most interesting part is believing that some day the gray WILL continue all the way down! LOL.
I love to hear all your stories - keep writing!
Posted by on 02/01 at 04:27 PM
Feel better, Tina! 
Posted by on 02/01 at 04:51 PM
I’m finding the new growth to be quite interesting. Wondering what shades it is all going to be as it grows in, how it will look as it gets longer and longer....it is like a science experiment.
One thing that has really surprised me is the fact I have some hairs which have not grown at all in 7 weeks time. They are scattered hither and yon throughout my hair, but most seem to be around my face. They are still dyed red right down to the scalp. Most of my hair has grown out more or less at the same rate so I now have about an inch of grow out. I am not happy about these stragglers. They are messing up my moonchild look.
On the bright side, some of my new growth is rather pretty. It sparkles like it is dusted with diamonds--the way new snow glitters on a sunny day. Not all of my new growth looks like this...but I think enough does that it will give a lot of dimension and interest.
Meanwhile....six months ago I would not have believed it in a million years....but I find that I am not self conscious about the radical two tone grow out I have. I am at peace with my skunk stripe. Just waiting for it all to grow out and letting my inner moonchild glow.
Posted by on 02/06 at 05:12 PM
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