Calling all “preemies”
If you went gray at an early age, this is your spot to talk about it. Do you feel special, unique, full of self-confidence? Love it? Hate it? Vent!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 12/11 at 08:08 PM
Hi Curlyshelly—and welcome to the Café! 
Your hair sounds great, including the color. Yup—we’re not color-biased here. Well, maybe just a little. . .
It’s such a personal decision. Most people here have reached the point where they truly can’t wait to go gray/white/silver. Not just because of bad chemicals, time, expense, etc. but because of something almost indefinable inside—maybe it’s just a need to know, a need to experience themselves as they really are. I don’t know—but the point is, when you feel it, you know it.
Saying gray looks “age-appropriate” does show a bit of what I call old-thinking. Gray is a color. Not an age. It doesn’t belong to any age, as you well know, having spotted your first grays around the age of 18. Also thinking that vanity is preventing you from going gray contradicts the fact that, hey, we’re all still vain. We’re not giving up on that! Nor should we. In fact, the best thing to do when you go silver is to really focus on your vanity, to find new colors, new makeup, new ways to care for your skin. It’s all part of the adventure.
As far as being worried that gray hair + curls might look “silly”—there’s a way to make sure curly hair looks absolutely fabulous when it’s silver, as long as it doesn’t look frizzy. It’s all in the curl definition. I have a chapter in my book called “Crazy, Wavy, Hazy gray” and you’ll see lots of women who have managed to achieve a great curlyhead look with medium-to-long hair. It’s quite striking. And there are all sorts of tips in there for KEEPING the curly locks healthy. It sounds like you’ve mastered this art, so there shouldn’t be a sudden switch when you go gray. You may have to moisturize a bit more, but that’s about it. Check out Michel’s story on the site, too—and you’ll see long, curly wavy silver hair.
I hope you’ll take all these things into consideration as you mull things over. You are so right that our hair is so closely aligned to our identity. At the same time—who determines our identity? WE DO. One way or the other—if we color or not. I think the best advice I can give you is—do it if you think it will be fun, if you think it will be unique, if you think it will be you—don’t if you don’t. Hope this helps.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 06/20 at 01:04 PM
Well, Shelly, I may be able to give you a little advice. I’m a newbie myself. I have a unique distinction of being a 20 year old newbie and am definitely premature gray. I also have very curly hair. I usually keep it very short. My hair is so curly, its almost kinky. There have been times I’ve been able to wear a mini afro(if you can imagine that?). I think curly hair looks awesome in gray/silver/white. Its all in how you fix it up. It doesn’t matter whether your hair is curly or straight, its still going to look good. So Shelly, I say go for it!!!!
Kendall
Posted by kendall88athlete on 06/20 at 08:17 PM
Thank you Diana and Kendall for your responses. I apologize for being gray/age blind. The ‘age appropriate’ statement was not meant to disrespect anyone, I truly apologize. I think what I fear is that I will LOOK so much older if I ‘go gray’. I suppose I’m having one I those “I’m not as young as I used to be moments”. I have a very youthful face and people never believe me when I say that I’m 38. (to the point of having to prove it with my driver’s license ). And since I associate gray hair with older… as in Grandma (with the whole retired,frumpy,house robes, bad gray hair) vision, I am having difficulty getting past this.
As I look at the pictures of on the web site I can CLEARLY see that is not the case, but something in the back of my mind says “boy, I wonder if it would be better if she colored the hair”. I realize this is MY problem and exactly the IF is undefinable. Women with gray hair CAN/DO have vivacious, full, happy lives and it’s not defined by the color of her hair.
Kendall.. if I may pass on some info to you regarding curly hair (and if it’s not ok to post links, mods please delete). I am in no way compensated for passing on this information. I regularly check out naturallycurly.com for information. It’s where I got my information on how to care for curly hair properly. One product that most curlies swear by is CurlKeeper by Curly Hair Solutions. It is not an ‘all natural’ product, but it’s great.
I’m due to color my roots any day now, so I’m really contemplating.
Again, thanks for your support and information.
Posted by curlyshelly on 06/21 at 08:06 AM
Hi curlyshelly—well, do keep us posted on your big decision! Goodness, no need to apologize for the “age-appropriate” comment—we’ve all been there. We’ve had older role models (and some not so role model-y!) all our lives, but for the first time, I think we want to set new standards, and this is the generation that can do it. What you decide to do matters only if it’s true to YOU. And if you see yourself as someone with colored hair, then that IS true to you. The disconnect comes when you project something you don’t feel you are. And, as you say, it has nothing to do with age—it’s simply what COLOR you want your hair to be!
I’m glad you brought up the links thing, because links to other sites are fine, as long as they are related to this topic. This site cannot endorse them, obviously, and people go there at their own risk. Usually, there is no risk, because our Members have been very good about suggesting sites that provide additional information or images on graying. Or products, in your case. One day, an inappropriate link may pop up, so forewarned is forearmed. Mod will definitely delete that, but maybe not fast enough!
However, personal links provide a deeper risk, as your own email addresses may be revealed. This site does its best to protect privacy, but only while you’re here. We cannot do that if we allow personal links, email addresses, and the like. I ask all members to respect that.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 06/21 at 01:41 PM
Hi Kendall sorry it took so long to answer. I work as a consultant and ended up with an assignment early March, Would I have dyed my hair, yes I think I still would have. It is very hard in high school being different and as my parents were a different sect than most of the area, I was already different, and being grey was alot of work.
I was going to quit in college, but everyone kept calling me Maam and I was 22. I immediately dyed it, I think if there would have been more support for being grey I would have stopped in my late 20’s but everyone told me to dye.
It is hard for people to imagine being grey as ok. I was in Michigan and my mother said, wow you have more grey than me, haha. 
I told her I had paid lots of money to have the grey exttended through my hair, but she didnt believe me and had to ask my daughter. 
I have come to ok with my grey, I use the highlighting cap and add highlights of brown now, and love my grey.
I found some of the best product (also horibly expensive) but it works well and makes even my grey nice and soft aand silky, so Heres to a greyer tomorrow !! 
Posted by TyffanieT on 06/22 at 11:47 AM
Hey there Tyffanie and its quite alright about the delay. Its amazing some of the stereotypes that people seem to associate w/ gray hair, premature or not? My going premature gray has really empowered me. It has allowed me to do things and to make decisions I could’ve had made a few years ago. Tyffanie, about what percentage of your hair is gray? How old did you say you were? Personally, I think you should go totally natural. Anyways, hope to hear back from you and thanks for the reply!
Posted by kendall88athlete on 06/22 at 05:56 PM
hello all
im new and thought id share my experience with going gray…
my dad went gray early. he was completely gray by the time he turned 50. i had hoped i had inherited my mother’s genes and would keep my natural hair color for a long time. but i was wrong…
when i was 23, my now ex noticed i had a gray hair. he pulled it out, we laughed and i forgot about it for a couple of weeks. then one night, while he was out, i found myself wondering how many more gray hairs were up there. i looked at the right side of my head and didn’t find any. i looked at the left side of my head and found 2 gray hairs. i sighed, felt relieved, then i flipped my hair up over the top of my head, pulled out 30 gray hairs and sat down and cried. i started dying my hair pretty religiously. now im 30 and i’m sick of the extra work with having to dye my hair. my hair is naturally a dark brown and its quite coarse; i have to really let the dye sink in to have an impact. but my gray hairs are white with a handful of deep, iron gray hairs. these don’t seem to take color well at all. i don’t seem to have the nice graying patterns that some have. i have some sprinkled throughout my bangs and temples, but most seem to be cropping up on the back of my head.
when i found this site, it was actually a relief. the women here look beautiful and are so brave for just going gray gracefully. i’ve decided to follow suit. i’ve been looking in the mirror and noticing the long silver strands sprinkled all over my head and i’m starting to wonder what i’ll look like when i’m mostly/all gray. i have dark eyebrows. i think my eyes will look really prominent. but its still scary. i’m feel like there is a prejudice with my generation that i’m still supposed to look young. i don’t want to look old before my time.
Posted by weomi on 07/16 at 02:07 PM
Weomi,
If you’re comfortable with you going gray, then it shouldn’t matter what other people think. I think you should let the gray come in. I’m starting to notice more younger grays and I think thats awesome! Just think when next April when I turn 21 and go into a bar how people will look at me, haha. To me, gray is not just a color, its an attitude, especially premature gray. Its about empowerment, strength, and the attitude that says “I am who I am, accept me or don’t accept me”. I love what being gray has done for me and I’ll help anyone else who’s going through what I’m going through. Rock on!!!
Kendall
Posted by kendall88athlete on 07/16 at 05:29 PM
Hi Weomi—It sounds to me like you’re very conflicted about going gray, and that’s perfectly understandable. You say you don’t want to be “old” before your time. What we’re doing is disassociating the COLOR of gray/silver from the whole concept of aging. Sure, “old” people go gray, but so do young people. Sometimes deliberately. Look at Sallee (in Gallery Girls) who has teenagers come up to her and ask how they can get that “color.” Look at teens in Japan, where white hair is all the rage. Look at certain rock stars. Gray/silver/white hair has crossed over into just another choice your hair color can be. But you have to WANT that choice, and celebrate that choice.
I do question when you say some of your hairs in the back have an “iron gray” color. When hair is drained of pigment, it is truly colorless. It might appear iron gray because of the reflections of the darker hair surrounding it. Or it indeed may be iron gray because it has only half-heartedly taken on some of the dye. Which colorless hair will do. . . as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t accept dye well.
Since you have just a sprinkling of gray hair, with most of it seemingly hidden in the back, you may not yet be a candidate for going gray. I know you said you’re sick of coloring, and I do understand that—you’ve been at it for a good long while. But I think you may be a long way from going “mostly” all gray. My advice—if you truly think you can embrace this change, then try it. Stop coloring for about 6 months. See what you’ve got. You can always go back to coloring, and in the meantime, your hair will get a nice, healthy break. Hope this helps.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 07/19 at 05:12 AM
trust me, its not just a sprinkling. i have TONS of white hair. now i that i have stopped dying and plucking, im noticing the ones in my bangs peaking out and the ones around my temples. but then i have these hairs that arent black, but a deep gray. i have predominantly brown hair with a sprinkling of blue black hairs. the deep iron gray ones are just that. and they tend to have a metallic pewter sheen at the tip. they are odd, but in the minority. i know its not dye problems, because i they have the iron color up to the roots. my roots are now 2” long :/ im not going back to coloring my hair.
i think the aging thing isnt so much an issue of the color of my hair. its the fact that when i give up dying my hair funky colors and such, im giving up being young. im accepting the fact that im not some punk rock kid anymore. im an adult with adult responsibilities. i think im mourning the fact that life isnt so simple anymore. i dont know. i have a really hard time articulating how i feel.
Posted by weomi on 07/22 at 07:47 AM
Well, this is a mystery to me, Weomi, because some dyes (particularly off-the-shelf ones) can coat the hair with a metallic sheet of color. When it oxidizes, it’s an oxidized metallic. So when you mention that you have a “metallic pewter sheen at the tip”, I’m wondering which tip. The ends, or the roots? And why you have the “iron color” up to your 2” roots is really the mystery!
It does sound like you’re mourning your former punk rock kid self. But, you know, we’ve had silvers on this site who are as wild as they’ve always been. Some have tattoos. Others are free gypsy spirits going to live on houseboats. Another one sports a Mohawk. Want to streak your hair pink? You’ll find the how-to’s in the Fashion Finds section. Point is, every one of us is a unique individual, and that’s something that never fades with aging.
I do understand completely when you say life isn’t so simple anymore, and you’re crossing over to another kind of life. Thirty is one of those milestone birthdays when you start to assess things. And it is a bit scary. But you never have to give up on being young, experimental, experiential. That’s a switch you flip inside yourself. Or not.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 07/22 at 05:47 PM
Hi Leeja—and Welcome! Of course, you probably know what I’m going to say—can we see some pics? 
I’d love to have you in the Newbies Class ‘08! Short curly hair would be great to see. Sorry it’s thinning. There’s a section of the book devoted to that—and why hair thins. But you are right, a lot of it is genetic, too. Darn those genes! I think I got them too—just on top. Rats. Let us know how the Rograine works for you. The thing about that - once you start, you can’t stop, or hair will go right back to its thinning ways.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 07/31 at 08:59 AM
You’re not the first one who has mentioned seeing “pink” scalp! Some find the paler their hair goes, the more noticeable the scalp. Whether their hair is thinning or not. We all are given a set number of follicles, can’t increase them, so it’s back to the genetic card again! Thanks for the pics, will post soon.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/01 at 12:04 PM
Hi Shelly,
I’m a newbie too. I’ve been lurking for several weeks and just checked out the book from the library.
Our stories are very similar. I noticed the first grays when I was 28. I had several small children at the time so I figured it was stress or ‘wild hairs’ as my mom called them. I don’t think she wanted to admit her baby was grown up enough for gray hair!
During the next 10 years I highlighted my hair until the stylist said I needed to do all over color and then highlight. That with a haircut would cost me close to $200 each visit!
The last 6 months or so I’ve been coloring my hair at home. I’ve grown tired of roots popping up almost overnight, of the mess, the expense and most of all, bathing my scalp with chemicals. I’ve even tried Henna but wasn’t happy with it.
After reading the stories of those who went for the ‘big chop’, I shaved my own hair 2 weeks ago. Surprisingly, it was not as shocking as I thought it would be, in fact it was very liberating! I had the full support of my husband who even offered to shave it for me!
I’m not the type of person who can do anything by halves. It’s all or nothing for me! I guess that might come from being a ‘beauty school dropout’ but who knows. To me, hair is just hair and it will grow back, healthier than ever and I’ll get to know the new me as it does.
Bottom line, do what you feel is right. For me, this was the right decision. For the most part others around me have been very supportive, even when I go out in public. However, I don’t feel the nerve to tell any of my online friends yet.
P.S. I did get a few ‘Britney’ comments from extended family members
Posted by socalkellie on 08/13 at 07:09 PM
Hi everyone! At age 46 after 15 years of religiously dyeing my hair I’ve decided it’s time to stop. I started going gray in my mid-teens, and had quite a few gray hairs by the time I was 20 and chasing my two older kids around. I didn’t start dyeing my hair until my late 20’s and then only occasionally. Of course the need to maintain my color escalated over time, and at this point in order to avoid the dreaded *skunk strip* I need to dye every 2-3 weeks. It’s been 3-4 weeks since I colored my hair, so the gray is becoming pretty obvious - to me at least! At this point I have no idea how I’m going to handle the transition. I think I’m around 90-95% silver, and my dyed hair is med/light brown, so the line of demarcation is going to be very noticeable as things progress. I’ve considered going to a salon and having it bleached so that the new growth won’t be so dramatically different. I’m not sure that’s even a viable option given my lack of experience with having much of anything done to my hair professionally. I’m also limited in the amount of time I feel I can spend away from home, since I’m mommy to a 2.5 year old again. In order to avoid leaving the baby (something I haven’t done yet) I’ve considered trying to bleach it myself, but I haven’t worked up the courage to attempt that yet - which is probably a very good thing. So, any input on weathering the transition period is welcome! On a rather funny note, my little guy has recently begun calling every woman with gray hair grandma. So, the potential for him to start calling me grandma instead of mommy is there I guess, especially since I AM a grandma to a 13 year old and a 4 month old. Haden has heard me referred to as grandma all his life, and I have no problem being called grandma by the grandkids. I’d just prefer my toddler to call me mommy,
Janelle
Posted by hadensmomma on 08/14 at 09:20 AM
Greetings to socalkellie and Janelle! Socalkellie—we’d love to see pics of your buzz cut! Promise we won’t mention the Britney word! It’s just great to hear that you have the support of your husband—how many men would offer to shave their wife’s head?
And Janelle, keep reading for transitioning tips. It’s always interesting to see how everybody handles it, each in their own way. One thing I wouldn’t do is bleach it myself. It’s tricky to get your hair to come up to the right shade, and then you have to know which toners to apply. I’d talk to a pro, anyway. Just to see what he/she would recommend. Maybe it wouldn’t be highlights. Maybe it would just be a glaze. You never know. And the next thing to work on is your toddler’s vocabulary!!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/14 at 04:21 PM
Kellie, I see you’re from southern California. I think its awesome that you decided to “go against the grain”, and just go for the buzz. I think that there are more “graybabes” in southern California than people realize. California does have a rep for being an ego driven state, as far as hair goes, but maybe we can change some attitudes.
Kendall
Posted by kendall88athlete on 08/14 at 06:59 PM
Diane, thank you for the warm welcome! My picture is in my profile but I don’t know if others can see it.
Kendall, your right about egos in California. I think many prefer to hide behind our ‘false fronts’. I’m glad to be different
Posted by socalkellie on 08/15 at 09:32 AM
Yup, they can socalkellie. They just have to go to the Members List. (You can get to that by clicking on “My Account,” then click on your own name in the upper bar—it will be in boldface. You’ll get a page that has Members List in the upper bar to the left. Click on that, and voila—a whole long list appears.) You can scroll through that and click on any member you’d like to see if they have a pic posted. When my list comes up, socalkellie, you’re on page 10, but I don’t know if that’s going to be the same for everybody. Try it and let me know!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/15 at 09:47 AM
Worked like a charm. Thank you Diana!
Posted by socalkellie on 08/15 at 11:39 AM
Coming back for a check in.
Thank you all for your information, stories, and support (in what ever my decision was going to be).
For me, right now, I’m not ready to go ‘natural’. I’m enjoying my hair color at the moment, but not the upkeep. I know that I will eventually come to terms with my natural color and just let it be. I don’t have a certain date, but I know for sure that I WILL NOT BE 60 and dyeing my hair.
Good luck to everyone in the ‘hair’ color path they decide.
Curly Shelly
Posted by curlyshelly on 08/18 at 04:49 PM
Hi Curlyshelly—so nice to hear from you again. It’s always like waiting for the other shoe to drop when you know people are wrestling with a big decision. SO I’m so glad you let us know. As I said in my first posting to you—we’re not color biased here! And it sounds like you’re doing what’s right for you at this time. So that’s great. Hope you’ll check back with us from time to time, and especially if you ever think about going natural again! All best, D.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/18 at 06:18 PM
Hello everyone, I stopped coloring my hair mid May and just discovered this site after googling about gray hair. I haven’t had my hair cut yet, and oh, boy does it look “skunky”. I stopped coloring because it needed to be done every 10 days and I just got so tired of it. My husband does not support me doing this and can’t understand why I would “want to look older”. I guess he thinks it’s ok for him to have gray hair but not me. My natural color is medium brown and I think my hair must be 90% gray now. I’d love to cut it, but I look dreadful in short hair. Thanks.
Posted by mare on 08/26 at 06:20 PM
Hi Mare—Welcome to the site! Your hair will thank you, especially if you have to color it every 10 days! Sounds like you’re in need of some hubby “sensitivity training!” Why not let him see some of the gals on this site. I’m thinking especially of the “Stories”—Elizabeth’s, Carol’s, Michel’s and Melody’s—so he can actually see the entire transition process, and the end result—that gray hair does NOT make you look older. In most cases, the hair looks better than it ever has, and the color is more flattering to the face. Well, men usually don’t get that part, all they want to know is that their wife isn’t going to turn into an old lady! HAH!
If you’d like to join our “Newbie Class ‘08” please send in your pics. This is a great support group that will get you through. It’s also fun to just chat about whatever ails you on bad hair days. Or bad “skunk” days!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/27 at 05:29 AM
Thanks Diana for your quick greeting! Oh boy, a picture?! I don’t know if I want to go that public! I’ve always hated having my picture taken. I might just stick to commenting for a little while. I am not sure I will look better gray but I am definitely committed to getting there and staying that way. I am 57 years young, by the way!
Posted by mare on 08/27 at 06:35 AM
I’m 46 and use to color my hair as it is very fine & a mousey brown. I quit coloring about 4 yrs ago & the gray is coming in-just not fast enough to suit me! My sister, 7 yrs older than I, has beautiful gray hair & my mom has lovely white hair. I am anxious to get to where they are! Every hair cut brings a little more gray out. My stylist, who I’ve only gone to for about 1 1/2 yrs, asked me a few months ago about coloring. I told her only if she can color it gray. Her jaw nearly hit the floor! Seriously, if she could get me a beautiful gray, I’d do it. It will take a few more years to get where I want to be, but I am excited about the process. I’m so glad I found this site & am so inspired by those who have gone thru & are still going thru the process.
Posted by brobbins on 08/28 at 04:55 AM
Hi brobbins—glad you joined us! I know you’ve been chatting elsewhere, but just want to comment here about asking your stylist to color your hair gray! Good one. I bet her jaw did drop. It’s just too bad that there IS no way to really color hair gray. Oh yeah, there are ashy toners you can use on lighter hair. Even darker hair to sort of “cool” the color. But nothing that really looks legitimate. And certainly nothing that gives the nice natural nuances gray hair has.
So for now, letting it all come in naturally is the best way to do it. It does take patience, but it sounds like you’re willing to wait to get where you want to be. Keep us posted on how it’s going!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/30 at 05:41 AM
Hi brobbins, I’m new to the site too. My gray won’t grow in fast enough either. I took my daughter to college in St Louis just this past week and wore my hair in a pnoy tail with a baseball cap the entire 5 days of orientation. I’d get it all chopped off if I thought I could stand it. I’m tall and thin and look like a Q-tip with short hair! I wonder if massaging helps? Or maybe thinking happy thoughts? 
Posted by mare on 08/30 at 09:54 AM
Hi All,
I guess I fall into this category. I started getting gray’s probably in my early twenties & have dyed on & off since then. I am about 6 months shy of 40 and haven’t dyed my hair now for about 9 months. I am really wanting to keep it natural for a variety of reasons, but I am floored by how unsupportive my peers are. Most say that if they were as gray as me, they would (and will) dye it. My mother, who is currently 74 still dyes her hair dark auburn religiously every 4 weeks or so, which I find absolutely riduculous, it would be beautiful white now if she didn’t.
The good news is that my dear husband is all for me staying gray, he is 19 years my senior & more salt than pepper, so I think it makes him feel like we fit better. But I am having that pre-40 freakout right now, worrying that I am aging myself too quickly. Anyway, I am rambling, but I just have to say how happy I am to have found this site. No one else I know seems to think the way I do and just from the brief time I have spent on this site, I think I have found some kindred spirits. Thanks all, you are inspiring.
Mika
Posted by MsMika on 08/30 at 06:18 PM
Hello, just found this site while searing in vain for information about growing out gray gracefully, at a young age.
I started getting grays when I was 12 years old, and totally freaked out. I begged my mom for help, and after it started getting really noticeable, we decided to use henna. As nice as that was, it wasn’t strong enough to cover the gray. By the time I was 14 I was dying my hair with vicious frequency, and every time the roots re-appeared, I was more and more frantic and horrified. I’ve had many different stylists, tried many different things (including a terrible perm my senior year of high school), weaves, highlights, box dyes etc. Mostly I dyed it myself, at home, with Clairol gray coverage dye.
As a result of this manic, frantic, obsessive hair treatment, my scalp became incredibly sensitive. My hair is very dry at the ends, prone to breaks and split ends. It looks dull and bristly. My hair is even thinning around the front now, I assume from the years of abuse. My scalp is still quite oily, but my poor tortured damaged hair doesn’t seem to retain any moisture at all. The grays rarely hold the dye very well at all, and I can’t afford the maintenance of regular salon visits.
I am now 25 years old, and have been dying my hair dark brown/black/chocolate cherry with drug store chemicals for 12 years.
Several months ago I decided to quit the dye, cold turkey. My hair depresses me - it’s so brittle and dull and rough. I want it to be healthy, more than any other thing. I don’t care how the color looks at this point, as long as it looks healthy. I’ve searched for ways to “grow out gracefully” however none of those methods seem for me. I have olive skin, dark eyes and bold black brows, any variation of the blond highlights and toners and careful salon maintenance would look ridiculous on my strong Italian coloring.
I’ve considered cutting it all off, but I don’t think I have the guts for that. I have about 2.5 inches of skunk stripe silver, and silver all above the ears and across my temples. It’s also silver underneath near the back. Around my forehead hairline, there is a heavy salt saltnpepper mix.
I’m determined to grow out my hair, because I think the end result might be lovely, and healthy. Looking in the mirror these days, though, is very unsettling. I am depressed and sad about my looks, and unsure what to do to ease this process.
Thanks all, feels good to get that off my chest.
Posted by Jhazmin on 08/31 at 08:49 AM
Hi,MsMika—and welcome to the site! That 40 freak-out thing is powerful stuff, but I direct you to Elizabeth’s Story on this site. She was about to color her hair again (she had already gone gray) as she approached her 40th. That’s when she found this site. Result—she didn’t. And her 40th birthday pic looks fabulous. So start there for inspiration. Then stick around this site and read all the positive energy in the chats. We’re all of a whole new generation going gray, and we’re going to do it OUR way. It’s not your grandma’s gray anymore, and it’s nothing to hide. It’s a real, honest-to-goodness color choice. And all the colors of gray can be so pretty. It has nothing to do with aging yourself. It’s simply another hair color to try! I’m so glad you have the full support of your husband, because that does mean a lot. Now—just try it. You can always go back to coloring if you want, but give it your best shot. And, if it will help, please send us pictures, join the Newbies, and get all the support you need as you go through this. Best to you!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/31 at 09:07 AM
Dear Impatiently Graying—oh, your story broke my heart. But let’s get a little pro-active here. First, you’ve done the right thing by going cold-turkey. That’s the only way for you right now. Your hair is damaged enough. You’ve got to nurse it back to health. You’re absolutely right about gray hair not “holding” dye well. You have to leave it on longer to really let it permeate the shaft. But your hair has had enough, not to mention your scalp. With any signs of scalp sensitivity, you have to be careful. You can read here about PPD allergies to dye. It can cause you to be allergic to things you never were allergic to before, and eventually become very severe. I’m not saying you’re going down this road, but your scalp is trying to tell you something. It needs a break.
I know you say you don’t want to go short-short, but you should cut some of those dead ends off. Just as much as you’re comfortable with. Get them out of there—they’re probably frizzy as well as dry, and that’s enough to destroy any semblance of a good look. Little by little, you may decide to go shorter. Maybe something layered and choppy to “hide” the skunk stripe. A zig-zag part works wonders, too.
Next, start using good moisturizing products immediately. Read the Products You Should Know About/Hair section. A lot of the women here have found Ojon treatments to be very helpful. I know I have. They’re not inexpensive, but when you consider what you’re saving on dye, and the health of your hair—worth it. Keep nurturing, keep feeding, keep nourishing your hair. It will take awhile to bring it back to life, but you’ll get there. Concentrate on these things, and that will help you to get over the “skunk-stripe” period. You’ll be focusing instead on all the good things you’re doing for your hair.
We don’t want you to be depressed about this. You’ll get a lot of great encouragement from your “silver sisters” on this site. Just stick with us, and we’ll get your through this period. And, if you’d like, join the Newbies by sending in your pictures. Right now, you probably don’t want to take a picture, but our Newbies have braved all, shown their skunk stripes to the world, and have gotten a wonderful sense of community out of this. Whatever you decide to do, know you’re doing something for YOU! It sounds like you’ve got a wonderful shade of silver going on already, and it may just be the best COLOR—of all you’ve tried!-- for YOU!
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/31 at 09:34 AM
Thanks Diana. I try not to be so depressed over it - it’s just hair after all, right? But it seems like with the decline of my hair, the rest of my appearance has declined as well. I took a couple pictures to submit - completely sans makeup, and without any tricks to hide or disguise my hair predicament. They are unflattering to say the least. =P I’ve always been a plus sized gal, but I’ve gained more weight, stopped maintaining my eyebrows, and stopped wearing make-up too.
I work in the video game industry, so everything is super super super casual, and I guess at some point I just gave up entirely.
I think I’ll pluck my eyebrows today!
Posted by Jhazmin on 08/31 at 10:13 AM
Thank you so much for the warm welcome, Diana. I really feel like stumbling on this website has been so helpful mentally for me. I know I want to do this, but I also know I am likely to go through phases of ambivalence, so I think posting here will help me keep my resolve. I did read Elizabeth’s story & it did help - of course it got me thinking, ‘well, if my hair was that beautiful silver I’d show it off too (instead of my mousey gray)’. So now I’m thinking I need more gray
I’ll see if I can post some pictures. The picture I put on my account was taken just after my last (semi-perm) dye job, which was in Oct. 2007. I’m going on a year, I guess - can I still be a newbie? I am determined to not do the skunk thing.
Thanks again. I look forward to getting to know and gathering support from all these lovely ladies.
Mika
Posted by MsMika on 08/31 at 06:28 PM
Hi Mika—oh yeah, you can still be a Newbie until your hair gets to the shade of silver you want! It does take longer if you’re determined not to do the “skunk thing.” With professional help that sort of eases you into gray, it can take awhile. But we’re patient here, if you are! I did go check out your pic—you look great! You’ll be a very welcome addition to Newbies, when you do send in your pics! Have you seen the newest Newbies, with hair as dark as yours??
Posted by Diana Jewell on 08/31 at 07:05 PM
Jazmihn,
I am a preemie also and you are not alone!! Being 20 and premature gray and a college student can be a stressful thing at times, but I wouldn’t change it for nothing! Check your PM for a message from me. Being premature gray does not mean you’re old. It means you’re a strong, empowered, unique person who is a world beater. Rock on girl!
Kendall
Posted by kendall88athlete on 09/01 at 09:34 AM
Hi all!
I’m a preemie and a soon-to-be newbie. I started graying when I was 16 and take after my mother who was noticeably graying at 13 in a group school photo. I’m going to a new haircolorist tonight to begin the process of blending in my gray. Her recommendation during the consultation was to add some “white” highlights to my dyed blond hair to make the grow-out less noticeable. However, my real dilemma is I have “female pattern baldness” and am worried the gray won’t hide my thinning as well. My hair is already short and I style it to cover the thinning but, of course, it does show a little sometimes (or maybe I’m just overly sensitive about it). Does anyone else have this issue and went natural? I’ve been coloring my hair for 43 years and I’d really like to end the madness of having to touch up every 4 weeks.
Posted by cak124 on 10/01 at 10:18 AM
Hi cak124, and welcome to the Café. The first thing I want to tell you is to take a look at the Product Watch blog, page 3. You will see that is is NOT so easy to put in “white highlights.” I don’t know what color your hair is under the dyed (or bleached?) blonde, but if it is dark at all, it probably won’t come up to white. Please question your new haircolorist thoroughly about this AFTER you read the blog describing the process.
Secondly, if you have female pattern baldness, all this may be too risky for your hair. You don’t want to lose any more. My crown hair is thinning, too, and I hate it, but I wouldn’t jeopardize it with hours of bleach. If you style your hair to cover the thinning now, you’ll still be able to once you go gray. The difference in the color won’t make a difference in the coverage. The good news is, it will recover, feel softer, feel healthier. It won’t “re-populate,” but the hair you do have will be in far better condition. Hope this reaches you before your appointment tonght! Let us know what you decided to do.
Posted by Diana Jewell on 10/01 at 01:23 PM
Hi Diana, thanks for the response! I did go to the salon last night and had no problem. My hair is already a very light blond (originally bleached) and the Aveda salon colorist from last night just added in some white highlights (bleach, I suppose) for 30 minutes to bring the color down more. This way the transition won’t be quite as drastic. She did cut quite a bit of hair off and I now have some natural white/silver showing, which I love! In 4 weeks, I’ll go back for another cut and more blond will be gone. What hair I do have, grows like a weed, so I expect to be completely white/silver in a couple of months (just in time for my mother to see the new me at Thanksgiving).
I’m very excited about going natural and thank you SO much for putting this information out there and supplying us with a forum to discuss these issues with each other!
Cheryl
Posted by cak124 on 10/02 at 08:53 AM
Hello Everyone,
I began to go gray when I was 16. My Grandmother was totally white by 14 (!) so I figured I was lucky. I began coloring my hair then because I didn’t want to feel like a freak. I am half Korean and that was bad enough growing up without having gray hair set me apart even more. I’ve been black, darkest brown, dark brown, blonde, strawberry (yeah, a half Korean with strawberry colored hair!)
When Diana’s book first came out, I snapped it up and the local library. I enjoyed it so much, I bought my own copy and read it from cover to cover so often that I had to tape the covers. What can I say, the book is well loved by me! 
I was gray for over a year (I have the pictures to prove it), chopped it all off (only 1/2 inch of gray hair all over my head), went through the growing out period (grew it long, 2-3 inches past my shoulders) and then started to feel “old”. The comments of “Are you your sister-in-law’s Mother, Mother-in-law’s sister or Husband’s mother?”, really got me down. Especially as the three of us (my SIL and MIL) were all gray at the time and I am the youngest at 43.
Boy, I wish I had found this site before I colored my hair black again.
I must be particularly thick headed because here I go again!
Only this time I won’t be able to go back to dyeing because I had a really severe allergic reaction. Burning scalp and not being able to breathe, are great deterrents to coloring one’s hair!
So anyway, thanks so much for the site. I really enjoy reading about others who have decided to go gray and find everyone to be an inspiration.
Mary
Posted by Silverhair on 10/15 at 01:02 PM
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